Just over a year ago, I was involved in a helicopter crash.  What started out as 'just a chip light', turned into the worst sounding, 'I wonder how this will turn out' ride of my life. And a ride, at that, since I had no control of what was going to happen.  On the way down I was calm and deliberate in my thoughts and actions but also thinking a lot of interesting and scary things. Afterwards, I was a little shook up and sore for a while. Most of my friends and some of my coworkers tell me that I didn’t realize that I fell out of the sky for a few weeks.  I was also a “toughy” as my friends tell me. A “toughy” in that it didn’t phase me, I’m good to go. Yep… had an uncontained engine failure, we were on fire and, our pilot saved our lives…  No big deal—right?! I thought that, believed that for a while. Heck, I didn’t leave a brown streak or puddle in my seat. I walked around mostly on auto pilot and a little of that “it-could- have-been-worse- but-wasn’t” state of mind.  True to the nature of anyone who works prehospital, ER, flight or ICU (and maybe a little of who I am) – we are control people and it won’t bother me- I won’t let it.  We didn’t have a back up ship so we were just doing fixed wing. During that 2 week 'denial phase', I had been on multiple fixed wing flights until, for lack of better word, reality caught up with me. I got called in early to do a fixed wing flight. The weather was the same as that night we went down only worse. On the way into the ER, I found myself getting nauseated, lightheaded, short of breath, white-knuckled on the steering wheel. I think I’m going to puke, pass out, or both?! I made a phone call to the pilot to do a weather check and forecast for all legs of the flight. I made it into the ER and told the other flight nurse that I couldn’t take this flight and proceeded to let loose a barrage of tears, frustration, fear and anger… mostly at myself, and for feeling a little bit of feeling like I’m letting down the rest of the team. So begins my reawakening. And so it continues… In the days, weeks, and months following the crash I experienced a huge variety of feelings and emotions- some of which I still can’t put a name with. The roller coaster of extremes begins. Eventually, I began to learn that I’m not crazy though. Some of this is actually normal. I got back in the saddle and flew on another program’s heli. I needed to see if I could do it. Not too bad, one small hurdle out of the way. The arrival of the loaner heli, and then, 6 months later, the return of the very helicopter that took me on the ride that is forever etched in my brain. More emotions and tears, frustrations, fear. More hurdles overcome and conquered. But it still amazes me what can still trigger my brain (although not to as extreme of fight or flight response anymore) With all these thoughts and emotions, ups and downs, I am grateful, and will always be grateful to a flight nurse from another program who had also been in a crash. I held on to her number for a long time after my chief flight nurse had taken her message. I never thought I would need to talk to someone who has been in my flight boots. It has been a blessing to be able to share thoughts, feelings, and sometimes frustrations with someone who has been there. This whole process is unique, ever changing and growing experience for me. And so it continues.... some good days…some not so good days.